#Cambodia

Call me a liar, i'll show you a fake.

I can't talk to you without your girlfriend's face being visualised in mind. How she's gonna reprimand you for still being in contact with me. How you're taking out time to talk to me. How I took the initiative to start a conversation with you. How she,as the world's most insecure girlfriend will scroll through your boyfriend's text messages and point out any and every single fuck reason to hate me even more. I know that you don't like me but I never knew why. For being your boyfriend's friend? Well, sucks to be me because we started out and friends and have been that way ever since.  The closest we got was just good friends. Our friendship has always been platonic. We've never crossed the fine line of being more than friends. Our conversations and actions were never flirtatious. Why are you hating me for being a friend? Are you going to hate every single one of his female friends? Come take some time and get to know me. You will realise how your precious-I-can't-live-without darling boyfriend and i have alwaus remained as friends because i am very repulsively unattractive, if that makes you feel any better. I feel like im getting hated  on for being just a friend. I mean, I don't want to keep a distance away from your boyfriends because we've done nothing against your conscience. But I guess maybe I should. So that your relationships get better , you feel more secure with me eliminated out of your 'what makes me insecure list' and I will be back to square one. Still trying to find my place in life. Sian. I'm really damn Sian.

Do you find me annoying? Do you find me a burden now that I can't stop complaining?

Once in a while, the thought of commiting suicide hits me but I never was actually brave enough to muster enough courage to excute it. Then i go on tumblr and i see some of my favourite bands, they're always emphasizing on "self love", "staying positive and strong" and for that moment I feel a little better about myself.

Kellin Quinn once said "Your arms are meant for bracelets, not cutting or scars." Somewhere along that line and i've been living by it. I never believed in self harm. But recently I've been hovered by this abyss of frustrating emotions that i cant control. I... took the blade to my skin. Despite being stricken by the kerf, i didnt stop till the first drop of crimson oozed out. It hurts so bad. I never thought I would subcummb to self harm. I wanted to feel how it felt and how it looked like for my emotions to be reflected on my body. Sure wasn't pretty and the pain, definitely not addictive. I put on my noise cancelling headphones and started listening to Basement's "Pine".



"Want me, I need you to want me. I hate myself, but that's okay. Because I never have enough. I don't love you, I just need to be loved."

Oh Basement, why did you guys had to break up? I hope whoever reads this doesn't try to hurt yourself like what I did. I'm fucked up.

Look at the tears that streaks her face. Do you see the pent up emotions in it?
Do you hear muffled sobs? She's in agony but refuses to let anyone know. She refuses to be labelled as weak. She hates that word.
Did you noticed her droopy bloodshot eyes? She's fucking exhausted and somnolent. But does anyone care?
Her mind is greeted with a pleasant crimson pool of blood. Dripping from those whom she doesn't like. She would slowly and painfully torture then before death.
She still holds on faith on seeing that glimpse of hope shining on her. She holds on to hopes of being free and noticed.

I am in agony. I am tired. Goodnight world

I made the right decision of not trusting you. Since day one. You are one insecure lowlife bitch.

I woke up crying on a monday morning. Things are really not going one bit my way. Please lady luck... Please, just give me a shred of  luck. Just a shred... I'm desperate. 

I feel like no place right now is able to keep me sane. Work used to be a sanctuary for me from the hustles of despondent transpiration. Well, not anymore... Home, definitely a strike of my list. School, okay school's not too bad if I was actually in my desired course...

I want to get myself admitted into the psychiatric ward. Like the movie "Its kind of a funny story". Just 5 days, in the hospital. Away from home, school, work, every thing. That's when people start noticing you're not around, Thats when people start to care, that's when things start getting better... i guess. 

Deep inside I crave for affection in the most innocent child like way but then reality hits you, no one truly cares. No one will truly like me for who I am because i'm too fucked up. I keep telling myself that i'm alone. I'm worthless and useless. Nobody gives a shit about me, im the last on everyone's friend list. It doesnt make a difference if im there in a group gathering or not. I'm on my own. So i have to love myself but im just that fucked up i cant even bring myself to love me own.

I think of the people whose told me "We're here for you" "You got us". Its nice but then again they just said it to pacify my very depressing past. They just wanna make me feel better for that moment. Gosh, did you see what I just did there? I'm pushing people away whom might be genuinely concerned about me...

 I think i might be clinically depressed.