I might seem like a awkward quiet oddball, which in some ways I am but I am not hostile. I don't have the friendliest smile or personality but frankly, I'm quite approachable. 

Even in my sleep, I felt so awake. I'm wearing a suitcase, under each one of my eyes already.

Every time I exhale those vulgar curls of white smoke, I secretly hope for my respiratory system to fail.
Every time I intoxicate myself,  I hope to remain muddled and inebriated for as long as I can.

I came home quite tipsy but still sober, partially. I lay on my bed. My room was unnaturally silent. I took deep breathes of the cold December air, and there I felt it. An ache blossomed from my heart like how blood would spread all over a white t-shirt. I heard whispers from the ghost of my past and my inferiority complex reminding me of the things that I don't wish to be reminded of. Those despondent thoughts, they've clung on to me like a swirl of ghosts. I was paralyzed by the overwhelming plethora of emotions felt at once. My body did not hold the capacity to contain all these emotions. The last thing I remembered was waking up to a soaked pillow, I  cried myself to sleep...

 I'm still waiting for the day to come, where I can fully love and appreciate myself.

We were never jealous, but instead relieved that you moved on and have found a better group of friends whom you can be comfortable with. Our friendship without you still remains the equivalent, we're just as  happy. But be mindful of the things you say. We may no longer be friends but we don't wanna end up as foes. Let us remain as ex-school mates and hopefully not escalate the relationship to anything else. It was good knowing you. I wish you all the best in life, a boost in self esteem and hopefully learn to make the right choices in future. Remember, you've lost all of us while we lost one of you. Cheers.

These fears, they hold a tight grasp on to me like an anchor. Drowning me into the deepest depth of the ocean. My voice isn't breaking through, my cries for help is not audible to anyone. Who hears me anyways?

I'm sorry my actions ladened you with disappointment. I'm sorry I soaked your face in tears. I hate to see you cry mother, but i'm not sorry for what I've done. I'm not proud of it but neither am I ashamed.

I am alone 
But I'm not lonely 
No, It's nothing personal 
I prefer to do things on my own 
And even though nobody knows me 
No I'm not lonely 
No I'm raw, and invincible 

I've never been in a relationship before. Therefore, I don't miss being in one. I don't complain about being all lonely, how I miss having someone with me. I'm okay with being alone. I'm lucky in that sense. Lucky me.

Bring Me The Horizon live was amazing. Amazing would be an understatement. Highlight of my year.

I shall start off with clarifying that the content of this post is not for the romantics, couples, enthusiastic Disney fans and for those who believe in this bullshit called "love" and if you are enraged, that is your problem. This is strictly my own inexperienced opinion, you do not have to agree with me.

I am a cynic when it comes to love( as if my introduction wasn't obvious enough). I can't say that it doesn't exist in my dictionary because it has yet to happen to me. In most of my posts talking about relationships, my perspective on it is that people are getting together not because they genuinely like each other but rather out of lust and loneliness. okay, so back on track.

If you feel that you and your current partner right now are going to last forever and have a "happily ever after" Disney ending. Sorry to burst your bubble, that shit ain't gonna happen. Welcome back to reality. Honestly I feel that no teenage relationships, or relationships in general are able to last forever. For sure you guys can last long but is the chemistry, effort and affection still there just like day 1? I used to be one of those judgmental fucks who would label girls as "sluts" for getting into another relationship almost instantaneously after a break up. But then I had an epiphany; the world population is estimated to be 7.1 billion and each and everyone of them are different. Along the way of our lives, we meet new people. All sorts of different people. Different in ways that you never felt with your current partner and that you find your feelings slowly gravitating towards them. Subconsciously attracted to them.  I dont blame them for feeling that way because its nature for us humans to want to try something new. We get sick of the same things sometimes. 

I feel like im wasting some of the best years of my life on feeling alone and being inadequate, wishing i was doing something else. I'm gonna regret these precious years... by feeling incompetent all over again. Can somebody help me please

I guess I just kinda gave up trying. I am inadequate and am always lacking in every department.

"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door."

Put flowers on my grave so for once I might look beautiful.

If a moving vehicle were to come charging towards me right now,  I wouldn't avoid it.
If demise were to stretch out his hand towards me, I might just join him.
Death, seems like such an appropriate resort to all my botheration and worriment.
I'm definitely heading straight for hell, but even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
My life is like opening a can of worms, hampered with unpredictable and unexpected complications.
"Better days await" they say, but right now every second's soaked in sadness.

you deserve a cookie if you noticed some bmth reference.

Why is it that the things I strive to work so hard for, the  time and efforts I've exerted yet the results are futile. Am I working not hard enough? ): 

I've always been academically challenged, but I try. I really do! 

Why can't I ace my papers exactly like how i aced practicing my past year papers.

Resentment is all I have for myself... Especially since everyone in class is wayyyyy smarter than me. Feels like I'm drowning in my own abyss of inferiority complex. 

I'm dreading the commencement of school... Where everyone will bombard you with the same dreadful question "How's your GPA?" no, I don't wish to answer... Answering that question will only further self deprecate my little existing esteem. 

The thought of dropping out of school still knocks on me, but what will I be doing then? I don't see a future for myself. It's bleak. 

brb, heading to the showers to cry my heart out.

 

Its an hubbub of activities for me now that the holidays have commenced. I think I might have underestimated myself thinking I'll be able to juggle 2 jobs.... I don't have enough sleep and its conspicuous because pimples are residing all over my face. Not pretty ):

Don't forget we won't forgive.

old films

"Hating these days all again
All that it leads to is sin
Fuck what you told me
It all leads to smoking
Alone in my room in the end
And that's when I knew I was dead
Worried sick from all that you said
Take, I am leaving all your deceiving
You broke me with your ignorance"

Your initial intentions was to enrage us all. You got what you wished for darling, you got what you wished for.

I can tie my hair up into a bun now! yay! a legit reason to post a selfie hehe

The sky was dark, all filled with gloom. Ladened down with darkened gloom. There I was in a lightless crate, floating on gigantic waves and furious winds. As I lay in the claustrophobic confines of the quaky crate in a foetus position, all I could hear were a thousand ghastly fingerstips tapping on the surface on the crate.
 I felt a prescene, there was someone else in this confinement with me. He called out to me, in a slow, soothing and warm voice "I know you're in struggling in agony, we're anxious to have you with us. You deserve to be somewhere beautiful, just like you. Come, I'll bring you there. Give me your hand."
Deceived by the alluring voice, I turned around only to find Demise staring right at me; and in that moment, my respiratory system was impaired as I felt death lay its artic fingers around my throat. Choking on inarticulateness, I struggled to stay alive but clearly Death was possessed greater endurance than me. I gave in... and again in that moment, I felt something. Only different. This time, I felt bliss.

What I treasure most.

Life is depressingly mutable and so are humans. I'm still struggling with and adapting to the new environment despite being in poly for about a year now. I honestly hate this place. Maybe just my course. Its hard to choose between friendship and grades. Recently I've been questioning myself if I really did made the right choice enrolling into TP instead of RP where most of my secondary school friends are. They're doing well in school, and they meet up pretty oftenly. I'm still trying to open up more. I honestly don't fucking know why I am so shy right now? Can I use shy on myself? For a lack of better word, yes I can. I wasn't like this in the past. I was a social butterfly, I'm not shitting you. I guess I got a little too self concious over the years and my self esteem started diminishing drastically to the point where I feel that no one will genuinely want to be my friend. Which is why I don't try nowadays. When I get introduced to people, all I do is just smile awkwardly at them and continue being awkward... I wish I could stop pitying myself. Help.

"自恋总比自卑好"       

Ive always believed that there is a plausible explanation behind everything and anything. Be it scientifically, logaically or spiritually. Like why are ants attracted to sweet things?  How does the helicopter work? What made Amanda Bynes go cray cray? How do you know if jesus really does exist? What is it about Justin Bieber that makes girls all over the world swoon over him? How is it possible that Jennifer Aniston is still such a babe even at the age of 44? These questions remain boundless, but there is a answer to it all. 

You are a intricate creature, you left me bemused. Bewildered by the confinement of reasons as to why are you ignoring me. The silence has never been more audible. I just wish you had a way to tell me instead of just giving me the cold shoulder. In person or virtually or whatever. I understand that some people are bad with words, or am lacking in the courage department. Just find a god damn way to tell the other person. No one deserves to feel left out, isolated. If you feel like whatever bullshit you're facing right now is going nowhere, then make it end. Be it on a good or bad note. Create a finish line for yourself, you finish it, look back and have no regrets. I normally do not address to issues/ rumours/ incidents that are not offensive or doesn't bother me. I'm still living the life. But I feel the burn every fucking time you ignore me. Talk to me, in anyway you are comfortable in. I'm all ears. You know that.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. And if I try, will i?

I've been listening to "Wake me up when september ends" for the longest time but I've never actually took notice of the lyrics. Listened to it again recently and the lyrics struck me hard, like a knife in the knee.   "Like my father's come to pass, seven years have gone so fast." 

I never actually realised how long it has been but thinking about it fuck, its been 7 fucking years already. I turn 20 next year and that means I've spent my whole teenage life without you, dad. The girls you left were women you never raised. 7 years will soon turn into a decade in a blink of an eye. Honestly, not having you around was torturous. How do you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? You've taught me so much. Underneath that vulgar countenance and that god awful crude mouth of his, he is a wise loving man. The only man who has ever showered me with endless love and words that make you feel like you're not alone. The only man whom I have never loved so much. Now no longer in my life, I was bemused and struggled to stand on my own two feet. Fighting to eradicate the ever so comforting words so audible in my mind. When I was washed with clarity as to why you left. You became a man that I hate to love.

Hello there,

                  the angel from my nightmare. The shadow in the background of the morgue~

Sorry bout the random Blink182 lyrics. Hehe

Well, I'm back to this neglected space again after what seemed like eternity. This space was and still is the place where I unleash the emotional turmoils trashing my lungs, fucking up my respitatory system, making life so hard to breath.  Where I feel most expressive of my feelings as I translate them into words. 

So much has transpired since the last time I've blogged, most of them being despondent ones unfortunately. I never knew how to deal with my problems other than bottling them up. I still find it hard to trust people. I am still unable to open up without struggling to fight the inarticulateness choking up in my throat. I am still that awkward fool whenever I meet new people.  I hate myself sometimes. Speaking of being awkward, I got introduced to 2 of my classmates's friends recently. One of them having similiar music taste, she thought we would click.  Feeling the need to widen my social circle, I agreed to join them for dinner. I ended up listening to their conversation the whole time. I was genuinely listening but I guess everyone present thought of it as an excuse to pass off  me being awkward.

I hate myself sometimes.

There are somethings that i really am unable to comprehend even if i were to place myself in your position. I guess only through experience is the only way to understand all these intricacies.