I watched you fall from your invincibility into this state of vulnerability of an infant. Sometimes it's not okay to be strong. People will think its okay to hurt you thinking your 'wall of strength' won't crumble but inwardly cracks are surfacing and slowly the walls starts tumbling down into fragments.

 

Heading to M'sia with my girls, yay!

The one thing i abhor the most about myself, is that i'm always screwing up. I always fuck things up. I bring disappointment. but it was never intentional of me to screw up, really. For some reason, shit just befalls upon me. I'm inwardly a perfectionist,  I'd rather not commit any mistakes if I could cause the last thing I ever wanna hear from anyone is "I'm disappointed in you." People always say "you'll learn from your mistakes, it's fine my dear." but how can i learn when you're not giving me a chance to? and Why do you have to bring up my mistake in the most acrimonious way? Asking me to rest well in the most sarcastic tone ever.  How do you expect to rest well when what you said just sent me to a deeper depth of guilt. I am well aware with every fiber of my body that i've done wrong. It was inadvertent. I apologised. I cried while walking home. What more do you want from me? Do you not trust me anymore?

How can you forget someone who gave you so much to remember?

Ice cream and pastries brings me euphoria, short lived euphoria.

"Don't you dare look me in the eye and tell me that i'm beautiful cause i know i'm not." 

-My Sister's Keeper

"I think i'm ugly and nobody wants to love me. Just like her, I wanna be pretty. I wanna be pretty. Don't lie to my face, cause i know i'm ugly."

-Ugly by 2NE1

If only the human eye can perceive everything with Instagram filters, my face would seem impeccably flawless and there would be of no need for me to go through the tedious diurnal routine of slapping on copious amount of make up just to conceal the crimson nauseating repulsive pimples or rather acne that has tainted my face ever since puberty. If only an eraser can erase everything, i'd erase not only my pimples but my fats as well. It sucks, always being the only one with blemished skin while i can only stare blatantly with envy at other girls with smooth, flawless porcelain skin. I hate how i'm already not good looking to begin with and whenever i see my reflection in the mirror, i feel a deeper depth of ugliness. I'm just like any other girl who wants to look good, not because i want to fish on compliments. At least it beats, crying upon your own reflection. A monstrous repulsive abhorrent and unpleasant sight. I honestly do not feel that i am not anywhere near "pleasant looking" which is why i get so enraged whenever anyone tells me i'm "pretty" cause i feel that they're making a joke out of me. People keep telling me "Why don't you have any confidence in yourself?" Its not about the confidence. Its about knowing yourself, knowing how you look like, knowing where you stand and knowing how people wouldnt even give you a second glance etc etc. I can go on and on about the imperfections about me, or maybe even come up with a book but i'll stop here. I'm tired.

Met these lovely people upon the commencement of poly. Really glad i got to know them, they make school less mundane. What i love about them is that they're always bickering with each other but at the end of the day, you know they don't mean it. And so the bickering, name calling and sarcasm can continue all day. Plus, i love how we all share a common interest/ hobby of camwhoring! hehehe, we need to come up with a clique name asap guy! :D