I'm stuck in the paradox between my desire for peace at home and the frustration of lingering negative emotions. I'm willing to do my part to create a harmonious environment, but it's not wise to become too attached to an unrealistic goal.

I feel... Insignificant. I've been feeling that way for a few years now. Its a hard feeling to eradicate. Sometimes when im with a group of friends, I feel like im the least important one and whether or not im there it really doesnt make a difference. In every group im with, i, feel that way. I know i'm not the most fun or outgoing or the funniest one in the group and that you would probably choose somebody else over me even as a friend... I guess, i'm the type where everyone would choose someone else over me. It's okay. I'm, kinda used to it. I guess. It bemuses me sometimes. Is it because im too distrustful of people? Is it because i dont open up?  I wonder if anyone misses me as much as i miss them. Or do I even mean anything to anyone.  I feel very... Lonely. I guess my pre menstrual symptoms are finally acting up. Experiencing a abyss of jumbled emotions.

There seems to be about 3 versions of myself. One, completely numb and indifferent. Two, a misanthropist who hates everyone and wants to be separated. Lastly, three, the one who is extremely sensitive and starved for affection in an almost child-like and innocent way. I know it sounds peculiar but I am a very confused individual hovered with a wave of emotions and reactions that cannot be satisfied all at once.


 I think everyone has that basic need for affection of some kind. Even something as simple as a pat on the back would feel wonderful to them because their emotions are so jumbled up,  they essentially sabotage themselves: they crave affection, but do not allow themselves to get close to anyone.  I'm quite a loser, I'd say. I guess that's what i'll always be....