I might seem like a awkward quiet oddball, which in some ways I am but I am not hostile. I don't have the friendliest smile or personality but frankly, I'm quite approachable. 

Even in my sleep, I felt so awake. I'm wearing a suitcase, under each one of my eyes already.

Every time I exhale those vulgar curls of white smoke, I secretly hope for my respiratory system to fail.
Every time I intoxicate myself,  I hope to remain muddled and inebriated for as long as I can.

I came home quite tipsy but still sober, partially. I lay on my bed. My room was unnaturally silent. I took deep breathes of the cold December air, and there I felt it. An ache blossomed from my heart like how blood would spread all over a white t-shirt. I heard whispers from the ghost of my past and my inferiority complex reminding me of the things that I don't wish to be reminded of. Those despondent thoughts, they've clung on to me like a swirl of ghosts. I was paralyzed by the overwhelming plethora of emotions felt at once. My body did not hold the capacity to contain all these emotions. The last thing I remembered was waking up to a soaked pillow, I  cried myself to sleep...

 I'm still waiting for the day to come, where I can fully love and appreciate myself.

We were never jealous, but instead relieved that you moved on and have found a better group of friends whom you can be comfortable with. Our friendship without you still remains the equivalent, we're just as  happy. But be mindful of the things you say. We may no longer be friends but we don't wanna end up as foes. Let us remain as ex-school mates and hopefully not escalate the relationship to anything else. It was good knowing you. I wish you all the best in life, a boost in self esteem and hopefully learn to make the right choices in future. Remember, you've lost all of us while we lost one of you. Cheers.

These fears, they hold a tight grasp on to me like an anchor. Drowning me into the deepest depth of the ocean. My voice isn't breaking through, my cries for help is not audible to anyone. Who hears me anyways?

I'm sorry my actions ladened you with disappointment. I'm sorry I soaked your face in tears. I hate to see you cry mother, but i'm not sorry for what I've done. I'm not proud of it but neither am I ashamed.

I am alone 
But I'm not lonely 
No, It's nothing personal 
I prefer to do things on my own 
And even though nobody knows me 
No I'm not lonely 
No I'm raw, and invincible 

I've never been in a relationship before. Therefore, I don't miss being in one. I don't complain about being all lonely, how I miss having someone with me. I'm okay with being alone. I'm lucky in that sense. Lucky me.

Bring Me The Horizon live was amazing. Amazing would be an understatement. Highlight of my year.

I shall start off with clarifying that the content of this post is not for the romantics, couples, enthusiastic Disney fans and for those who believe in this bullshit called "love" and if you are enraged, that is your problem. This is strictly my own inexperienced opinion, you do not have to agree with me.

I am a cynic when it comes to love( as if my introduction wasn't obvious enough). I can't say that it doesn't exist in my dictionary because it has yet to happen to me. In most of my posts talking about relationships, my perspective on it is that people are getting together not because they genuinely like each other but rather out of lust and loneliness. okay, so back on track.

If you feel that you and your current partner right now are going to last forever and have a "happily ever after" Disney ending. Sorry to burst your bubble, that shit ain't gonna happen. Welcome back to reality. Honestly I feel that no teenage relationships, or relationships in general are able to last forever. For sure you guys can last long but is the chemistry, effort and affection still there just like day 1? I used to be one of those judgmental fucks who would label girls as "sluts" for getting into another relationship almost instantaneously after a break up. But then I had an epiphany; the world population is estimated to be 7.1 billion and each and everyone of them are different. Along the way of our lives, we meet new people. All sorts of different people. Different in ways that you never felt with your current partner and that you find your feelings slowly gravitating towards them. Subconsciously attracted to them.  I dont blame them for feeling that way because its nature for us humans to want to try something new. We get sick of the same things sometimes. 

I feel like im wasting some of the best years of my life on feeling alone and being inadequate, wishing i was doing something else. I'm gonna regret these precious years... by feeling incompetent all over again. Can somebody help me please

I guess I just kinda gave up trying. I am inadequate and am always lacking in every department.

"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door."

Put flowers on my grave so for once I might look beautiful.

If a moving vehicle were to come charging towards me right now,  I wouldn't avoid it.
If demise were to stretch out his hand towards me, I might just join him.
Death, seems like such an appropriate resort to all my botheration and worriment.
I'm definitely heading straight for hell, but even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
My life is like opening a can of worms, hampered with unpredictable and unexpected complications.
"Better days await" they say, but right now every second's soaked in sadness.

you deserve a cookie if you noticed some bmth reference.

Why is it that the things I strive to work so hard for, the  time and efforts I've exerted yet the results are futile. Am I working not hard enough? ): 

I've always been academically challenged, but I try. I really do! 

Why can't I ace my papers exactly like how i aced practicing my past year papers.

Resentment is all I have for myself... Especially since everyone in class is wayyyyy smarter than me. Feels like I'm drowning in my own abyss of inferiority complex. 

I'm dreading the commencement of school... Where everyone will bombard you with the same dreadful question "How's your GPA?" no, I don't wish to answer... Answering that question will only further self deprecate my little existing esteem. 

The thought of dropping out of school still knocks on me, but what will I be doing then? I don't see a future for myself. It's bleak. 

brb, heading to the showers to cry my heart out.

 

Its an hubbub of activities for me now that the holidays have commenced. I think I might have underestimated myself thinking I'll be able to juggle 2 jobs.... I don't have enough sleep and its conspicuous because pimples are residing all over my face. Not pretty ):

Don't forget we won't forgive.

old films

"Hating these days all again
All that it leads to is sin
Fuck what you told me
It all leads to smoking
Alone in my room in the end
And that's when I knew I was dead
Worried sick from all that you said
Take, I am leaving all your deceiving
You broke me with your ignorance"

Your initial intentions was to enrage us all. You got what you wished for darling, you got what you wished for.