I never read the letters you sent me. Not that i've forgotten to but I don't want to. I don't want to know what you want to tell me, I don't want  to know how are you doing, I don't want to know how sorry you are. I don't want to know how much you miss me, sis or mom. I don't want to know anything about you. I don't know why did I decide to read your letters. I probably just wanna drown myself in misery. With each hand written letter I read, the deeper depth of misery I was drowning myself into. "How are you?" Really? Seriousfuckingly, after so long? "I'm sorry. I really regretted what I did" Why apologise? Anything anyone has regretted doing was what they wanted to do. "I hope you can forgive me." I don't know if i'm capable of doing so, you really hurt me. I'm still living with the scars of what you did. I feel sad every fucking time I think about you. I've spent sleepless nights crying because of you. You ruined my whole fucking childhood. I'm fucking scared of men now. I loved you, I truly genuinely did. why pa, why? I'm still blaming myself for every fucking thing. I hate myself as a kid, all i thought about was my fucking self. All i cared about was what to fucking eat and play. Useless fat fuck. Why am I so fucking useless, so fucking incompetent, self centered, annoying and not loveable. why. why. why fucking why. I am so pathetic. I hate myself. Sorry, ma. I'm sorry... 

Wasn't able to concentrate at work today. The content of dad's letter was too mind occupying. Screwed things up. Disappointed some people. I don't like using the excuse of being tired. Everyone is tired and they're still doing their work. What  makes me the only exception?   Had to fake a smile. sigh... I'm sorry Andrew. I'm sorry Ryoma. Please don't think of me as incompetent. I still try my best to do things at work. Still doing things the way I've seen you done. I just feeel vulnerable today.