#Cambodia

Call me a liar, i'll show you a fake.

I can't talk to you without your girlfriend's face being visualised in mind. How she's gonna reprimand you for still being in contact with me. How you're taking out time to talk to me. How I took the initiative to start a conversation with you. How she,as the world's most insecure girlfriend will scroll through your boyfriend's text messages and point out any and every single fuck reason to hate me even more. I know that you don't like me but I never knew why. For being your boyfriend's friend? Well, sucks to be me because we started out and friends and have been that way ever since.  The closest we got was just good friends. Our friendship has always been platonic. We've never crossed the fine line of being more than friends. Our conversations and actions were never flirtatious. Why are you hating me for being a friend? Are you going to hate every single one of his female friends? Come take some time and get to know me. You will realise how your precious-I-can't-live-without darling boyfriend and i have alwaus remained as friends because i am very repulsively unattractive, if that makes you feel any better. I feel like im getting hated  on for being just a friend. I mean, I don't want to keep a distance away from your boyfriends because we've done nothing against your conscience. But I guess maybe I should. So that your relationships get better , you feel more secure with me eliminated out of your 'what makes me insecure list' and I will be back to square one. Still trying to find my place in life. Sian. I'm really damn Sian.

Do you find me annoying? Do you find me a burden now that I can't stop complaining?

Once in a while, the thought of commiting suicide hits me but I never was actually brave enough to muster enough courage to excute it. Then i go on tumblr and i see some of my favourite bands, they're always emphasizing on "self love", "staying positive and strong" and for that moment I feel a little better about myself.

Kellin Quinn once said "Your arms are meant for bracelets, not cutting or scars." Somewhere along that line and i've been living by it. I never believed in self harm. But recently I've been hovered by this abyss of frustrating emotions that i cant control. I... took the blade to my skin. Despite being stricken by the kerf, i didnt stop till the first drop of crimson oozed out. It hurts so bad. I never thought I would subcummb to self harm. I wanted to feel how it felt and how it looked like for my emotions to be reflected on my body. Sure wasn't pretty and the pain, definitely not addictive. I put on my noise cancelling headphones and started listening to Basement's "Pine".



"Want me, I need you to want me. I hate myself, but that's okay. Because I never have enough. I don't love you, I just need to be loved."

Oh Basement, why did you guys had to break up? I hope whoever reads this doesn't try to hurt yourself like what I did. I'm fucked up.

Look at the tears that streaks her face. Do you see the pent up emotions in it?
Do you hear muffled sobs? She's in agony but refuses to let anyone know. She refuses to be labelled as weak. She hates that word.
Did you noticed her droopy bloodshot eyes? She's fucking exhausted and somnolent. But does anyone care?
Her mind is greeted with a pleasant crimson pool of blood. Dripping from those whom she doesn't like. She would slowly and painfully torture then before death.
She still holds on faith on seeing that glimpse of hope shining on her. She holds on to hopes of being free and noticed.

I am in agony. I am tired. Goodnight world

I made the right decision of not trusting you. Since day one. You are one insecure lowlife bitch.

I woke up crying on a monday morning. Things are really not going one bit my way. Please lady luck... Please, just give me a shred of  luck. Just a shred... I'm desperate. 

I feel like no place right now is able to keep me sane. Work used to be a sanctuary for me from the hustles of despondent transpiration. Well, not anymore... Home, definitely a strike of my list. School, okay school's not too bad if I was actually in my desired course...

I want to get myself admitted into the psychiatric ward. Like the movie "Its kind of a funny story". Just 5 days, in the hospital. Away from home, school, work, every thing. That's when people start noticing you're not around, Thats when people start to care, that's when things start getting better... i guess. 

Deep inside I crave for affection in the most innocent child like way but then reality hits you, no one truly cares. No one will truly like me for who I am because i'm too fucked up. I keep telling myself that i'm alone. I'm worthless and useless. Nobody gives a shit about me, im the last on everyone's friend list. It doesnt make a difference if im there in a group gathering or not. I'm on my own. So i have to love myself but im just that fucked up i cant even bring myself to love me own.

I think of the people whose told me "We're here for you" "You got us". Its nice but then again they just said it to pacify my very depressing past. They just wanna make me feel better for that moment. Gosh, did you see what I just did there? I'm pushing people away whom might be genuinely concerned about me...

 I think i might be clinically depressed.

I think I end most of my posts adruptedly that's because I have a writer's block... Stupid dip shit brain of mine...

I've always wanted to grow up quickly so people would take me seriously. Nobody ever takes a kid seriously. The adults, they'll always be like "You don't know what you're talking about, you're just a kid. You're too young to know anything."  Even up till now being 19 i still get that. I'm not trying to prove that I'm real mature and ready for the world that kida shit.
Truth  is, no one is ever to young to know about anything. We're just too young to care. No kid wants to spend their childhood worrying about ther academics. Their future. The monthly utility bills. Homework. Health. No fuck that shit.
Kids. They witness everything but they're too young at that point to comprehend the situation.  Parents think it's okay to curse, swear, quarrel and fight infront of the kids thinking they won't be able to recall anything. It's actually etched in their mind and as they grow older, answers will start surfacing to the questions they asked themselves as a kid. They might even blame themselves...

The first day of school commenced with a 8am lesson... Dreadful... But I had somehow managed to forcefully wake myself up at 6am. I deserve a pint of ice cream!! I couldn't adapt to the sudden switchback to waking up in early hours so I was pretty much stoned throughout every lecture and tutorial. Thankfully it was only the first day of school, the teachers didnt go through much. Its great seeing my classmates again ^^
ooo, happy first day of school jane! So glad you're here in TP *hiak hiak* finally someone from fatfat i can meet up/ hang out with after school!

So, the world is a happier place when you're not alone. A misanthropist you are, when you find no one else there for you.
Have you considered that the ones whom you've known for the longest time are actually the ones pushing you forward? Not to your limit,but to what you can do so much more than you actually can. They are the ones who push you forward because they know your story. They're capable of reading you like a book. They know how you feel and how you're gonna react. They can't change who you are, but they accept you for that. Please believe in yourself that things DO get better... Do you really want to stay this way for the rest of your life? You feel impaired... take your broken wings and learn to fly, to soar. Be strong. Self love is important.

And then i found out how hard it is to really change, even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
 I just wanted the numb inside me to leave. no matter how fucked you get,
 the sun will return and you come back down! 
The funny thing is all i ever wanted i already had..
 there's glimpses of heaven in every day!
 in the friends that i have, the music i made, the love that i feel, i just had to start again.. 

The days are a death wish
A witch hunt for an exit
I am powerless...

The fragile, the broken
Sit in circles and stay unspoken
We are powerless...
Because we all walk alone on an empty staircase
Idle in the halls and nameless faces
I am powerless...

Everybody wants to go to Heaven
But nobody wants to die
I can fear death no longer
I've died a thousand times

A wasteful universe 
And we don't know our soul was
Emptiness inside our heads
But no one dares to dwell...

Throw me to the flames
Watch me burn!
Set my world ablaze
Watch me burn!

How are we on a scale of one to ten?
You can tell me, what do you say?
Do you wanna talk about it?
How does that make you feel?

Have you ever took a blade to your wrists
Have you've been skipping meals
We're gonna try something new today
How does that make you feel?

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, tell me "go"
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, tell me "go"
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
In this hospital for souls

Atomic Fest, Sound Wave, Spring Fever Tour, Vans Warped Tour..... gahhhhhhhhhhhh Singapore Y U NO BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD A TOUR HERE :{

Is it weird that I got a nose piercing and actually wanna leave my hair long because vic has both? He is too adorable ><!

Food trips with a bunch of good friends can never go wrong. The day we ate only ice cream for the whole day, hehe.

"Learn to control your temper. All he did was just asking you to shut up and he just pushed(physically) you away."

Like an evolving hulk, the wrath that erupts from within every single time i am reminded of that incident. Furious at what you said. Disappointment at its peak. "He's just a small boy plus he's unwell, forgive and forget." 
So what if he's younger? Does his ignorance gives him the rights to ask me to shut up for correcting him?
So what if he's physically unwell? Does that give him the rights to physically push me away? Boy, he's sure strong for a sick child.
Do i also get to go home early if i were to cry because i am hungry?
Am i also able to get special treatment if i hyperventilate every single time someone tries to correct me so that i am get away with shit. 
I know you're probably gonna think this is very un-mature of me, speaking of your favourite sick child this way. You're probably shaking your head in dismay while reading this.
Whatever la, I shouldn't be bothered about how you think when you didn't thought of mine when you said those words. 

Car horns are heard, breaking the silence of the misty morning hours. I've been awake since 5.46am. I'm alone in my room but i hear snatches of conversation float through the air. The things I could never comprehend as a child now all makes so much sense. Like a sudden epiphany.  I try to not blame myself but really, the memories that played in my mind proves too much of me being guilty. I am to be blamed. Being a kid back then doesn't change the verdict.

feeling a little unappreciated these few days but i guess this is how things work. I'm not angry or taking it personal, I just wish you had a better sense of planning

像个傀儡被线牵着走，完全没有说话的余地。拥有自己的主见却被别人住址，被别人控制，被别人牵着走。想要解脱可是没了牵着你的线，你就是一个残废。即将被遗弃的一个木傀儡。
我觉得我很像一个傀儡，只能跟着指示走。没说话的余地。很无奈。厌倦。 反感。  不知到合时我能鼓起勇气说我想走我自己的方向。

Been living the repetitive cycle of waking up and going to sleep angry ever since I moved in 5 years ago. Maybe I should start attending yoga lessons that teaches you on how to have some inner peace cause clearly im lacking in that department. fuck, times like this i feel like i have no one to confide to but then again i won't divulge anything. fuck me. everyone knows me as "the angry uncommunicative teenager" well fuck you fuck everything fuck life

"I know that you know that, I know that you know."

"I don't wanna take your precious time 'Cause you're such a pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty face. But you turned into a pretty big waste of my time."

I've always found the female species to be very intricate. A living oxymoron comprised of a tsunami of emotions. Entails great laboriousness to comprehend.  
There is one thing that I can conclude from my 19 years of observation about the female species: most of us are two faced bitches. Underneath that smiley facade is a prison of vicious spiteful thoughts kept clandestine to only the person you dont like but so exposed to everyone. Fucking emmy award winning bitches. 

Where do you think all this anger will bring you. What conclusion would you come to?  Take some time out and look around, observe. Your lack of visual perception is causing you to channel a lot of unnecessary hate towards me. I've done nothing, well at least not anything to feel guilty towards you or anything against my conscience. Let us all be mature grown ups shall we.

Leaving for the Philippines in a few hours time and i'm still not done with packing.... Not to mention that I've yet to print out my air ticket and covert my sgd to pesos. I am such a lazy fat fuck. Sometimes I feel like my younger sis is more responsible than I am... sigh hahaha
 

Sometimes I feel like i'm the only one trying, feeling exhausted is an understatement.