"The consequences if I leave I'm alone but what's the difference when you beg for love?"


"How am I suppose to be everything they expect me to be when I feel so alone?"


"We all have our horrors and our demons to fight. But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed?They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers round my throat. Is this what I get for the choices that I made?"

"And I heard you said one time, that i never fucking crossed your mind. I guess i'll act like that's fine, but you should know that you cross mine all the time."



"you must understand that fear is not some product that I made.It crept unwelcome in my head the day they had her torn away. It changed me."

Tomorrow marks the commencement of my main exams and I really shouldn't be here blogging but since I've just finished my lunch and I refuse to do anything else only after I feel that my food has been digested. Hehe

I've been pondering about a few things. My future especially. I really don't know what I wanna be. I did wanted to be a writer but then I feel like  I'm not cut out for it. I am interested in a plethora of occupations it seems almost impossible for me to just stick to one and move towards it. The future scares me. The thought of it sends a surge of tremor in me. I don't want to become a bum.

Daddy, can you be here right now. I really miss you... so much it hurts.

Just another insignificant someone. Just another tainted soul. Just another someone nobody pays attention to. Just another loner who knows everyone. Just another uncommunicative teenager. Just another someone who tries to blend in, but fails most of the time. I don't know why I let myself become like this. Always putting myself down.
I am unworthy of anyone's time, attention and affection.
It's okay Ju, it's okay.

 "Raise your hands if music has ever saved your life or helped you through tough times." 
 -Vic Fuentes


















Inexplicably euphoric. Free entrance to one of your favorite band's gig is probably one of the best feeling everrrrrrrrrr. The crowd was a meh, but I was visually and aurally raped hehe

Couldn't help but teared while singing along to "Hold on till may" despite the fact that I was horribly  off pitch. He dedicated that song to his older brother who fought with cancer for 6 years and finally defeated it.
 "Raise your hands if music has ever saved your life or helped you through tough times." ahh,
there, vic said it. His signature line at every gig.
Was so close to Tony the whole time. How is it possible that this shy man of a few words can be sooooo sexily attractive while on stage. *fangirls*
Jamie was so hyped up the whole time, I love him I really do even though I find him a litttle arrogant sometimes. Arrogantly attractive.
Mikeeeeeeeeee, the unsung drummer but lusted by so many ladiesssss your ink is sickkkkkkkkkkk.
and of course, Vic. You blew us all away. I don't care if you're 30, I still want the D.
All of this wouldnt have happened if it wasnt for Jaymee. Thank you Jaymee for giving me one of the tickets you won! Very appreciative and thankful :)
Getting to see Pierce The Veil live was so surreal. I can never listen to their songs without thinking of last night. Another band to strike off my list.

"If I were you, I'd put that away. See, you're just wasted in thinking about the past again. Darling, you'll be okay." 

and she said 

"If you were me, you'd do the same. Cause I can't take anymore. I'll draw the shades and close the door. Everything's not alright, and i would rather...."

I'm stuck in the paradox between my desire for peace at home and the frustration of lingering negative emotions. I'm willing to do my part to create a harmonious environment, but it's not wise to become too attached to an unrealistic goal.

I feel... Insignificant. I've been feeling that way for a few years now. Its a hard feeling to eradicate. Sometimes when im with a group of friends, I feel like im the least important one and whether or not im there it really doesnt make a difference. In every group im with, i, feel that way. I know i'm not the most fun or outgoing or the funniest one in the group and that you would probably choose somebody else over me even as a friend... I guess, i'm the type where everyone would choose someone else over me. It's okay. I'm, kinda used to it. I guess. It bemuses me sometimes. Is it because im too distrustful of people? Is it because i dont open up?  I wonder if anyone misses me as much as i miss them. Or do I even mean anything to anyone.  I feel very... Lonely. I guess my pre menstrual symptoms are finally acting up. Experiencing a abyss of jumbled emotions.

There seems to be about 3 versions of myself. One, completely numb and indifferent. Two, a misanthropist who hates everyone and wants to be separated. Lastly, three, the one who is extremely sensitive and starved for affection in an almost child-like and innocent way. I know it sounds peculiar but I am a very confused individual hovered with a wave of emotions and reactions that cannot be satisfied all at once.


 I think everyone has that basic need for affection of some kind. Even something as simple as a pat on the back would feel wonderful to them because their emotions are so jumbled up,  they essentially sabotage themselves: they crave affection, but do not allow themselves to get close to anyone.  I'm quite a loser, I'd say. I guess that's what i'll always be....

**********Fangirl mode on**********