Even in my sleep, I felt so awake. I'm wearing a suitcase, under each one of my eyes already.

Every time I exhale those vulgar curls of white smoke, I secretly hope for my respiratory system to fail.
Every time I intoxicate myself,  I hope to remain muddled and inebriated for as long as I can.

I came home quite tipsy but still sober, partially. I lay on my bed. My room was unnaturally silent. I took deep breathes of the cold December air, and there I felt it. An ache blossomed from my heart like how blood would spread all over a white t-shirt. I heard whispers from the ghost of my past and my inferiority complex reminding me of the things that I don't wish to be reminded of. Those despondent thoughts, they've clung on to me like a swirl of ghosts. I was paralyzed by the overwhelming plethora of emotions felt at once. My body did not hold the capacity to contain all these emotions. The last thing I remembered was waking up to a soaked pillow, I  cried myself to sleep...

 I'm still waiting for the day to come, where I can fully love and appreciate myself.

We were never jealous, but instead relieved that you moved on and have found a better group of friends whom you can be comfortable with. Our friendship without you still remains the equivalent, we're just as  happy. But be mindful of the things you say. We may no longer be friends but we don't wanna end up as foes. Let us remain as ex-school mates and hopefully not escalate the relationship to anything else. It was good knowing you. I wish you all the best in life, a boost in self esteem and hopefully learn to make the right choices in future. Remember, you've lost all of us while we lost one of you. Cheers.

These fears, they hold a tight grasp on to me like an anchor. Drowning me into the deepest depth of the ocean. My voice isn't breaking through, my cries for help is not audible to anyone. Who hears me anyways?

I'm sorry my actions ladened you with disappointment. I'm sorry I soaked your face in tears. I hate to see you cry mother, but i'm not sorry for what I've done. I'm not proud of it but neither am I ashamed.

I am alone 
But I'm not lonely 
No, It's nothing personal 
I prefer to do things on my own 
And even though nobody knows me 
No I'm not lonely 
No I'm raw, and invincible 

I've never been in a relationship before. Therefore, I don't miss being in one. I don't complain about being all lonely, how I miss having someone with me. I'm okay with being alone. I'm lucky in that sense. Lucky me.

Bring Me The Horizon live was amazing. Amazing would be an understatement. Highlight of my year.

I shall start off with clarifying that the content of this post is not for the romantics, couples, enthusiastic Disney fans and for those who believe in this bullshit called "love" and if you are enraged, that is your problem. This is strictly my own inexperienced opinion, you do not have to agree with me.

I am a cynic when it comes to love( as if my introduction wasn't obvious enough). I can't say that it doesn't exist in my dictionary because it has yet to happen to me. In most of my posts talking about relationships, my perspective on it is that people are getting together not because they genuinely like each other but rather out of lust and loneliness. okay, so back on track.

If you feel that you and your current partner right now are going to last forever and have a "happily ever after" Disney ending. Sorry to burst your bubble, that shit ain't gonna happen. Welcome back to reality. Honestly I feel that no teenage relationships, or relationships in general are able to last forever. For sure you guys can last long but is the chemistry, effort and affection still there just like day 1? I used to be one of those judgmental fucks who would label girls as "sluts" for getting into another relationship almost instantaneously after a break up. But then I had an epiphany; the world population is estimated to be 7.1 billion and each and everyone of them are different. Along the way of our lives, we meet new people. All sorts of different people. Different in ways that you never felt with your current partner and that you find your feelings slowly gravitating towards them. Subconsciously attracted to them.  I dont blame them for feeling that way because its nature for us humans to want to try something new. We get sick of the same things sometimes. 

I feel like im wasting some of the best years of my life on feeling alone and being inadequate, wishing i was doing something else. I'm gonna regret these precious years... by feeling incompetent all over again. Can somebody help me please

I guess I just kinda gave up trying. I am inadequate and am always lacking in every department.

"Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door."

Put flowers on my grave so for once I might look beautiful.

If a moving vehicle were to come charging towards me right now,  I wouldn't avoid it.
If demise were to stretch out his hand towards me, I might just join him.
Death, seems like such an appropriate resort to all my botheration and worriment.
I'm definitely heading straight for hell, but even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
My life is like opening a can of worms, hampered with unpredictable and unexpected complications.
"Better days await" they say, but right now every second's soaked in sadness.

you deserve a cookie if you noticed some bmth reference.

Why is it that the things I strive to work so hard for, the  time and efforts I've exerted yet the results are futile. Am I working not hard enough? ): 

I've always been academically challenged, but I try. I really do! 

Why can't I ace my papers exactly like how i aced practicing my past year papers.

Resentment is all I have for myself... Especially since everyone in class is wayyyyy smarter than me. Feels like I'm drowning in my own abyss of inferiority complex. 

I'm dreading the commencement of school... Where everyone will bombard you with the same dreadful question "How's your GPA?" no, I don't wish to answer... Answering that question will only further self deprecate my little existing esteem. 

The thought of dropping out of school still knocks on me, but what will I be doing then? I don't see a future for myself. It's bleak. 

brb, heading to the showers to cry my heart out.

 

Its an hubbub of activities for me now that the holidays have commenced. I think I might have underestimated myself thinking I'll be able to juggle 2 jobs.... I don't have enough sleep and its conspicuous because pimples are residing all over my face. Not pretty ):

Don't forget we won't forgive.

old films

"Hating these days all again
All that it leads to is sin
Fuck what you told me
It all leads to smoking
Alone in my room in the end
And that's when I knew I was dead
Worried sick from all that you said
Take, I am leaving all your deceiving
You broke me with your ignorance"

Your initial intentions was to enrage us all. You got what you wished for darling, you got what you wished for.

I can tie my hair up into a bun now! yay! a legit reason to post a selfie hehe

The sky was dark, all filled with gloom. Ladened down with darkened gloom. There I was in a lightless crate, floating on gigantic waves and furious winds. As I lay in the claustrophobic confines of the quaky crate in a foetus position, all I could hear were a thousand ghastly fingerstips tapping on the surface on the crate.
 I felt a prescene, there was someone else in this confinement with me. He called out to me, in a slow, soothing and warm voice "I know you're in struggling in agony, we're anxious to have you with us. You deserve to be somewhere beautiful, just like you. Come, I'll bring you there. Give me your hand."
Deceived by the alluring voice, I turned around only to find Demise staring right at me; and in that moment, my respiratory system was impaired as I felt death lay its artic fingers around my throat. Choking on inarticulateness, I struggled to stay alive but clearly Death was possessed greater endurance than me. I gave in... and again in that moment, I felt something. Only different. This time, I felt bliss.

What I treasure most.

Life is depressingly mutable and so are humans. I'm still struggling with and adapting to the new environment despite being in poly for about a year now. I honestly hate this place. Maybe just my course. Its hard to choose between friendship and grades. Recently I've been questioning myself if I really did made the right choice enrolling into TP instead of RP where most of my secondary school friends are. They're doing well in school, and they meet up pretty oftenly. I'm still trying to open up more. I honestly don't fucking know why I am so shy right now? Can I use shy on myself? For a lack of better word, yes I can. I wasn't like this in the past. I was a social butterfly, I'm not shitting you. I guess I got a little too self concious over the years and my self esteem started diminishing drastically to the point where I feel that no one will genuinely want to be my friend. Which is why I don't try nowadays. When I get introduced to people, all I do is just smile awkwardly at them and continue being awkward... I wish I could stop pitying myself. Help.

"自恋总比自卑好"       

Ive always believed that there is a plausible explanation behind everything and anything. Be it scientifically, logaically or spiritually. Like why are ants attracted to sweet things?  How does the helicopter work? What made Amanda Bynes go cray cray? How do you know if jesus really does exist? What is it about Justin Bieber that makes girls all over the world swoon over him? How is it possible that Jennifer Aniston is still such a babe even at the age of 44? These questions remain boundless, but there is a answer to it all. 

You are a intricate creature, you left me bemused. Bewildered by the confinement of reasons as to why are you ignoring me. The silence has never been more audible. I just wish you had a way to tell me instead of just giving me the cold shoulder. In person or virtually or whatever. I understand that some people are bad with words, or am lacking in the courage department. Just find a god damn way to tell the other person. No one deserves to feel left out, isolated. If you feel like whatever bullshit you're facing right now is going nowhere, then make it end. Be it on a good or bad note. Create a finish line for yourself, you finish it, look back and have no regrets. I normally do not address to issues/ rumours/ incidents that are not offensive or doesn't bother me. I'm still living the life. But I feel the burn every fucking time you ignore me. Talk to me, in anyway you are comfortable in. I'm all ears. You know that.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. And if I try, will i?

I've been listening to "Wake me up when september ends" for the longest time but I've never actually took notice of the lyrics. Listened to it again recently and the lyrics struck me hard, like a knife in the knee.   "Like my father's come to pass, seven years have gone so fast." 

I never actually realised how long it has been but thinking about it fuck, its been 7 fucking years already. I turn 20 next year and that means I've spent my whole teenage life without you, dad. The girls you left were women you never raised. 7 years will soon turn into a decade in a blink of an eye. Honestly, not having you around was torturous. How do you forget someone who gave you so much to remember? You've taught me so much. Underneath that vulgar countenance and that god awful crude mouth of his, he is a wise loving man. The only man who has ever showered me with endless love and words that make you feel like you're not alone. The only man whom I have never loved so much. Now no longer in my life, I was bemused and struggled to stand on my own two feet. Fighting to eradicate the ever so comforting words so audible in my mind. When I was washed with clarity as to why you left. You became a man that I hate to love.

Hello there,

                  the angel from my nightmare. The shadow in the background of the morgue~

Sorry bout the random Blink182 lyrics. Hehe

Well, I'm back to this neglected space again after what seemed like eternity. This space was and still is the place where I unleash the emotional turmoils trashing my lungs, fucking up my respitatory system, making life so hard to breath.  Where I feel most expressive of my feelings as I translate them into words. 

So much has transpired since the last time I've blogged, most of them being despondent ones unfortunately. I never knew how to deal with my problems other than bottling them up. I still find it hard to trust people. I am still unable to open up without struggling to fight the inarticulateness choking up in my throat. I am still that awkward fool whenever I meet new people.  I hate myself sometimes. Speaking of being awkward, I got introduced to 2 of my classmates's friends recently. One of them having similiar music taste, she thought we would click.  Feeling the need to widen my social circle, I agreed to join them for dinner. I ended up listening to their conversation the whole time. I was genuinely listening but I guess everyone present thought of it as an excuse to pass off  me being awkward.

I hate myself sometimes.

There are somethings that i really am unable to comprehend even if i were to place myself in your position. I guess only through experience is the only way to understand all these intricacies.

Fucking girls and their unnecessary drama, tsk.

You are in my own opinion, one of the worst, if not the worst girlfriend I've ever seen. You will always serve as a permanent reminder to always be a better person because you are what I never ever want to be like or associated with. You are also what's stopping me from having even the slightest thought about being in a relationship because I am just petrified at the thought of becoming like you. I will hate myself so much if i ever become like you. Not saying that im perfect but im pretty okay as a person. Im fucked up but not so much like you.

Why do you crave for affection so much when you can learn to love yourself? Relationships is one thing that really bemuses me. Why does everyone want to be in one, even when you know the other party isn't really the one whom you have the slightest affection for. I feel like relationships nowadays have lost its meaning. Nobody really gets together because they genuinely like each other but simply because, they're lonely and sad to say, maybe for 'bragging rights'

you dont have to agree with whatever I say because this is just what I think. My own personal opinion from my own prespective. 

A blue expanse all the way to the horizon, the water stretches as far as you can see. Ripples and waves continuously crash against the shore, eventually breaking into foam. Can never get sick of staring at the intrinsic magnolia dotted clouds floating aimlessly on the azure blue sky. At 630pm, an array of warm colours appear contrasting the stable blue. Its nice to just sit alone and observe.

Photos taken before the haze. Clearly I suck at taking panorama photos.

If I've never trusted you from the beginning then I won't ever put my trust in you.
Why are you trying to get me to trust you? Are you trying to get something out of me?

                                               @ Holland Village's Churrosity

                                                      @ The Food Barn

@ the NewBalance warehouse sale 

 Awww sedih nye :l

I'm a very accomodating person. Maybe a little too accomodating at times it feels as though my opinion doesn't matter anymore. Like hey i'm okay with complying to your sudden change of plans but too many is definitely gonna piss me off. All I wanted was to watch a goddamn fucking movie that day but nooooo, there had to be 4 fucking sudden change of plans. I didn't lose my cool because you were my friend but I do hope you could tell I wasn't very pleased one bit. The last thing I wanna do is to get mad at a friend, fuck

I personally prefer my face when its caked on with cosmetic. I feel like I have more control over it. Also, as a acne victim, I feel more secure that way. Speaking of which, I absouletely hate it when people tell me not to wear make up because it'll clog up pores and irritate me skin causing aggravation to the existing acne and that I should let my skin breathe. I absoutely fucking hate it. Since the purpose of make up is to conceal all sorts of facial blemishes then its not suppose to aggravate it. In my case for acne, there's non-comedogenic make up which is suitable for acne prone skin like mine and its perfectly fine for everyday use. So please people, just.... shut the fuck up. zzz I am aware of my unhealthy relationship with cosmetics like how I am never able to leave the house with a bare face. I have this huge reliance on it as well, I KNOW. I'm not saying that my make up skills are perfect, its nowhere near there. You can still see some grostesque bumps even with all that concealing. All i'm saying is, that is how I am able to feel more secure about myself and it would be appreciated if you could respect that. It doesn't bother me if you call me fake because of the amount of make up I wear. Name calling doesn't bother me at all. Don't see make up as something superficial, take it as a empowerment to your face.

#Cambodia

Call me a liar, i'll show you a fake.

I can't talk to you without your girlfriend's face being visualised in mind. How she's gonna reprimand you for still being in contact with me. How you're taking out time to talk to me. How I took the initiative to start a conversation with you. How she,as the world's most insecure girlfriend will scroll through your boyfriend's text messages and point out any and every single fuck reason to hate me even more. I know that you don't like me but I never knew why. For being your boyfriend's friend? Well, sucks to be me because we started out and friends and have been that way ever since.  The closest we got was just good friends. Our friendship has always been platonic. We've never crossed the fine line of being more than friends. Our conversations and actions were never flirtatious. Why are you hating me for being a friend? Are you going to hate every single one of his female friends? Come take some time and get to know me. You will realise how your precious-I-can't-live-without darling boyfriend and i have alwaus remained as friends because i am very repulsively unattractive, if that makes you feel any better. I feel like im getting hated  on for being just a friend. I mean, I don't want to keep a distance away from your boyfriends because we've done nothing against your conscience. But I guess maybe I should. So that your relationships get better , you feel more secure with me eliminated out of your 'what makes me insecure list' and I will be back to square one. Still trying to find my place in life. Sian. I'm really damn Sian.

Do you find me annoying? Do you find me a burden now that I can't stop complaining?

Once in a while, the thought of commiting suicide hits me but I never was actually brave enough to muster enough courage to excute it. Then i go on tumblr and i see some of my favourite bands, they're always emphasizing on "self love", "staying positive and strong" and for that moment I feel a little better about myself.

Kellin Quinn once said "Your arms are meant for bracelets, not cutting or scars." Somewhere along that line and i've been living by it. I never believed in self harm. But recently I've been hovered by this abyss of frustrating emotions that i cant control. I... took the blade to my skin. Despite being stricken by the kerf, i didnt stop till the first drop of crimson oozed out. It hurts so bad. I never thought I would subcummb to self harm. I wanted to feel how it felt and how it looked like for my emotions to be reflected on my body. Sure wasn't pretty and the pain, definitely not addictive. I put on my noise cancelling headphones and started listening to Basement's "Pine".



"Want me, I need you to want me. I hate myself, but that's okay. Because I never have enough. I don't love you, I just need to be loved."

Oh Basement, why did you guys had to break up? I hope whoever reads this doesn't try to hurt yourself like what I did. I'm fucked up.

Look at the tears that streaks her face. Do you see the pent up emotions in it?
Do you hear muffled sobs? She's in agony but refuses to let anyone know. She refuses to be labelled as weak. She hates that word.
Did you noticed her droopy bloodshot eyes? She's fucking exhausted and somnolent. But does anyone care?
Her mind is greeted with a pleasant crimson pool of blood. Dripping from those whom she doesn't like. She would slowly and painfully torture then before death.
She still holds on faith on seeing that glimpse of hope shining on her. She holds on to hopes of being free and noticed.

I am in agony. I am tired. Goodnight world

I made the right decision of not trusting you. Since day one. You are one insecure lowlife bitch.

I woke up crying on a monday morning. Things are really not going one bit my way. Please lady luck... Please, just give me a shred of  luck. Just a shred... I'm desperate. 

I feel like no place right now is able to keep me sane. Work used to be a sanctuary for me from the hustles of despondent transpiration. Well, not anymore... Home, definitely a strike of my list. School, okay school's not too bad if I was actually in my desired course...

I want to get myself admitted into the psychiatric ward. Like the movie "Its kind of a funny story". Just 5 days, in the hospital. Away from home, school, work, every thing. That's when people start noticing you're not around, Thats when people start to care, that's when things start getting better... i guess. 

Deep inside I crave for affection in the most innocent child like way but then reality hits you, no one truly cares. No one will truly like me for who I am because i'm too fucked up. I keep telling myself that i'm alone. I'm worthless and useless. Nobody gives a shit about me, im the last on everyone's friend list. It doesnt make a difference if im there in a group gathering or not. I'm on my own. So i have to love myself but im just that fucked up i cant even bring myself to love me own.

I think of the people whose told me "We're here for you" "You got us". Its nice but then again they just said it to pacify my very depressing past. They just wanna make me feel better for that moment. Gosh, did you see what I just did there? I'm pushing people away whom might be genuinely concerned about me...

 I think i might be clinically depressed.

I think I end most of my posts adruptedly that's because I have a writer's block... Stupid dip shit brain of mine...

I've always wanted to grow up quickly so people would take me seriously. Nobody ever takes a kid seriously. The adults, they'll always be like "You don't know what you're talking about, you're just a kid. You're too young to know anything."  Even up till now being 19 i still get that. I'm not trying to prove that I'm real mature and ready for the world that kida shit.
Truth  is, no one is ever to young to know about anything. We're just too young to care. No kid wants to spend their childhood worrying about ther academics. Their future. The monthly utility bills. Homework. Health. No fuck that shit.
Kids. They witness everything but they're too young at that point to comprehend the situation.  Parents think it's okay to curse, swear, quarrel and fight infront of the kids thinking they won't be able to recall anything. It's actually etched in their mind and as they grow older, answers will start surfacing to the questions they asked themselves as a kid. They might even blame themselves...

The first day of school commenced with a 8am lesson... Dreadful... But I had somehow managed to forcefully wake myself up at 6am. I deserve a pint of ice cream!! I couldn't adapt to the sudden switchback to waking up in early hours so I was pretty much stoned throughout every lecture and tutorial. Thankfully it was only the first day of school, the teachers didnt go through much. Its great seeing my classmates again ^^
ooo, happy first day of school jane! So glad you're here in TP *hiak hiak* finally someone from fatfat i can meet up/ hang out with after school!

So, the world is a happier place when you're not alone. A misanthropist you are, when you find no one else there for you.
Have you considered that the ones whom you've known for the longest time are actually the ones pushing you forward? Not to your limit,but to what you can do so much more than you actually can. They are the ones who push you forward because they know your story. They're capable of reading you like a book. They know how you feel and how you're gonna react. They can't change who you are, but they accept you for that. Please believe in yourself that things DO get better... Do you really want to stay this way for the rest of your life? You feel impaired... take your broken wings and learn to fly, to soar. Be strong. Self love is important.

And then i found out how hard it is to really change, even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.
 I just wanted the numb inside me to leave. no matter how fucked you get,
 the sun will return and you come back down! 
The funny thing is all i ever wanted i already had..
 there's glimpses of heaven in every day!
 in the friends that i have, the music i made, the love that i feel, i just had to start again.. 

The days are a death wish
A witch hunt for an exit
I am powerless...

The fragile, the broken
Sit in circles and stay unspoken
We are powerless...
Because we all walk alone on an empty staircase
Idle in the halls and nameless faces
I am powerless...

Everybody wants to go to Heaven
But nobody wants to die
I can fear death no longer
I've died a thousand times

A wasteful universe 
And we don't know our soul was
Emptiness inside our heads
But no one dares to dwell...

Throw me to the flames
Watch me burn!
Set my world ablaze
Watch me burn!

How are we on a scale of one to ten?
You can tell me, what do you say?
Do you wanna talk about it?
How does that make you feel?

Have you ever took a blade to your wrists
Have you've been skipping meals
We're gonna try something new today
How does that make you feel?

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, tell me "go"
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
In this hospital for souls

Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, tell me "go"
Watch me burn...
Hold me close, don't let go
Watch me burn...
In this hospital for souls

Atomic Fest, Sound Wave, Spring Fever Tour, Vans Warped Tour..... gahhhhhhhhhhhh Singapore Y U NO BIG ENOUGH TO HOLD A TOUR HERE :{

Is it weird that I got a nose piercing and actually wanna leave my hair long because vic has both? He is too adorable ><!