When you have so much burden, troubles and responsibilities strained on you, you cannot help but put all the blame to yourself. Why am I so incompetent, so useless, so worthless, so pathetic? Why can't things just go smoothly? Why am I always fucking things up? When will I be able to get out of this shithole? Nope, still no answers. I want to eradicate the hate in me. I want to stop being so enraged and infuriated all the fucking time. I've been told by a few of my classmates that I have been increasingly impassive. It's like as if i'm being left out. I am not as conversable as before. Not as sociable, not as outgoing.  Poly is an environment very extremely foreign to me with a plethora of so many different types of people. Most of which causes my inferiority complex to surface all the time. I guess, all I need is time to adapt myself and slowly I will be able to open up.  Hopefully my classmates are patient enough to deal with the "awkward loser" me right now. I like my classmates, I honestly do. I'm in a way glad that they told me that I could go talk to them if i ever needed a listening ear. Thankful.  They're all of different personalities but together they're all so harmonized, so fun to be with. Hopefully I'll be the one contributing in to the fun someday.
As of right now, I am a very troubled teenager.


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I've always been a distrustful person, always skeptical and dubious when it comes to the divulgement of my thoughts and feelings because no one really asks "How are you?" and "What's wrong?" because they care but rather because they are just curious and most of the time will you as a conversation starter with someone else. Soon, words spread like wildfire. I don't even trust myself sometimes which is pathetic. There are only 2 person whom right now I believe I can trust. Sadly, both of them are attached right now and I feel that I shouldn't be talking to them so much. Plus, they're very engaged with work and probably also as troubled with their own problems. I'm afraid I might be developing an emotional reliance on them, which is bad. Very very bad. I keep reminding myself that I have only myself to rely on. To stand on my own two feet. I cannot always be relying on people.